The Guilt

The Guilt.  I guess this is a good title because it's all about the guilt and the feelings related to the guilt when it comes to caring for a loved one with Alzheimers.  Yes, the guilt...I feel plenty of it.  As you may or may not notice, there is always a big space in time from my last post to my next and that's because it is so damn hard for me to write about this because I'm either extremely angry or extremely sad about my experience with my mother.  Just about everytime I post my feelings on this subject...I am crying.  Crying through my words, crying through my feelings, crying through my posts.  This time, all I feel right now is anger and guilt.  Usually anger goes with rage and guilt goes with depression or sadness but my feelings seem to be all over the place lately and of course, like always, my posts come late at night with the assistance of plenty of wine.  But when the thoughts are pouring out of your head, no matter what time of day or night, you need to write because writing is good and writing is therapeutic.  Sometimes it's like throwing up because you gotta get it all out in order to feel better.  I've been feeling guilty lately because I feel like at times I did not take care of my mother as good as I should have.  There were many times where I just plopped her in a chair in front of the TV so that I didn't have to do too much when it came to her.  I know that I should have taken her for walks more often, or read her a book or paid more attention to her at times but I didn't.  I was too busy trying to get caught up on laundry or cooking or paying attention to my kids or whatever.  Now everybody tells me that I should not feel guilty for that because I have a family and had to care for them also but I still feel guilty.  At times all I wanted to do was just sit there and be depressed.  It takes so much energy sometimes to allow yourself to feel what is going on around you.  Just the thought of my mom's illness and the thought of me having to have her in my house on the weekends would have me gasping for air at times.  I know that sounds crazy but it's true and these are my true feelings.  Some people are so good with others and are true caregivers because I think they are born that way.  Although I would like to think that I am a kind hearted person, sometimes I think that I'm not and so, because of that, I am left with the guilt.  I always tell myself to not have any regrets and to make sure that I do my part and do what it right so that I don't have any regrets but I have many regrets and one of them is that I wish that I could now go back in time and change some of the moments that I had with my mom.  Maybe if I would have been more attentive, maybe if I would have had more patience, maybe if I would have listened better, maybe if......I guess I'll never know.  It was so much easier when she was in her early to mid stages because these were the times that I had the most fun with her and she was so happy and carefree.  It was the times that she was in her very advanced stage that were the hardest.  Sometimes I would just stare at her and cry.  Of course she did not know what the heck was going on but I did.  I was aware of what lied ahead for her.  She was so innocent and had no clue.  It would make me so extremely sad.  At times I wondered if maybe there was a way that I could trade my life for hers so that she could have her life back but I would then come back to reality and remember that I had a family who depended on me and children who needed me and so I felt guilty for even entertaining those thoughts.  If my mother had a voice, she would say......"this disease is like a living hell" She would say, "Please, please, please find a cure so that no one else has to experience this dreadful, shameful disease."  My mother was always a very private person and did not share too many delicate details of her life with anyone.  I am torn between continuing with this blog because in order for those who know nothing about this disease to know the reality of what really happens, I will have to reveal all the horrible details of a beautiful courageous person who became a victim of this terribly unexpected turn in her life and I'm not quite ready to do that just yet.  My mother went from the very courageous, beautifull, full of life, outspoken woman to this scared childlike person who experienced moments of frustration, fear and depression and also experienced moments of hallucinations and that's about all I can reveal right now because the rest is too painful.  One of these days someone will read this.  Maybe one of these days the rest of the world will wake up and realize that this is serious.  I will stop here and don't know when I will pick up again or what kind of mood I will be in when I do pick up.  But for now, who ever you are that reads this...I thank you for taking the time to read it.