Well it's been awhile since my last blog. I'm pretty new at this blogging stuff and not real good with a computer even though I'm on a computer all day at work but we have an IT department that sets everything up and takes care of everything - all I do is type on it. Anyway, it gets real depressing for me after a while when I think about my mother's situation. It's good to write and I know that it's theraputic but there are days that I just don't want to think about it or deal with it. My mother has been in a convalescent center for over a year now and I visit her but sometimes I let a week or a week and a half pass between visits because sometimes it's just too hard to visit her. She no longer speaks and cannot walk. She can't lift her head, her arms, her legs (she tries at times) or do anything else. She just lies there day and night, night and day. She has excellent care and really nice nurses that take care of her. They get her up almost every day and put her in a wheel chair for about an hour and she seems to enjoy that. She also seems to react at times when we go and visit with her. Alot of times, she just sleeps or does not even know that I am there. Sometimes when I'm in her room I cry because I still can't believe that this happening. I pray all the time that she can recover, that she can be cured. I pray for a cure, that the doctors can finally find a drug to cure this piece of shit disease, if not for my mother, but for the rest of the people that will be diagnosed down the road. This disease and its effects is so, so sad. My mother always told me that if she was ever on life support or was in an accident where she was brain dead and could no longer function, she wanted me to pull the plug. She always told me, "Don't you ever have me in a convalescent center like a vegatable, I wouldn't want to live that way." The only problem is that there is no plug to pull. In the meantime, she just lies there day and night, night and day. We almost lost her last year right around Christmas time. She had to be hospitalized because she developed pnemonia and also a urinary tract infection. The doctors at the hospital kept telling my sister and I that she was very ill and they had no idea whether she would recover. When she started getting a little bit better and her pnemonia was going away, they brought someone in to try and feed her and do a swallow evaluation. I was told by the hospital that she failed the swallow evaluation because she did not want to eat and kept pocketing her food in her cheeks. We were told to call hospice and take her back to the convalescent center because if she was no longer swallowing, this is the beginning of the end. It was a few days before Christmas and she was sent back to the convalescent center with hospice. We were told by the nurses that her death would not happen right away that it might take a few weeks but that we would be able to tell. We had her moved to a private room so that my sister and I, my husband and kids and the rest of our relatives could spend our time with her privately. Although hospice ordered that she no longer be fed (I found this out later), my sister and I told the convalescent center that we wanted her to be fed. We wanted them to try every day to feed her, not force her, but to try and feed her. Well...each day she ate a little more and a little more and she actually recovered and starting eating 80 to 100 percent of her food. We canceled hospice and she was moved back to her room. She has since then done very well, for someone with late stage Alzheimers, and she has recently gained some weight. Although now, we just found out that she has developed cateracts. Of course, they cannot operate because of the risk so I guess, she will eventually go blind? I believe this is what happens if cateracts are untreated and not removed. I cannot believe this is happening to my mother. A woman that was such a happy go lucky person. Loved her family, her life, her job and her friends. It it such an extremely sad situation. Anyone in my shoes can relate. Anyone who has taken care of a loved one with this disease knows what I am feeling and what my biggest fear is now. If you know anything about Alzheimers, then you'll know what I'm talking about. I have to be strong and not think about it. I have to go on and turn this in to something positive. It's just very hard to do. What is so damn positive about something so heart wrenchingly painful. Pain in your gutt, pain in your heart, pain in your head, pain all over. I sometimes resent other people whose mother's are still healthy and able to speak and go places and enjoy their lives. I don't like who I am turning into. I feel like I'm turning into a wimp. Someone who cannot cope with this situation. I have to get up over it and be on top and not let it ruin my life. I feel like a black cloud is over my head sometimes. Sometimes I feel like crawling under a rock. Sometimes I feel like going to sleep for a real long time. I don't like the attitude that I have. If I think about it for too long, then I get so depressed. But I know that If I'm not going to go to therapy anytime soon, then this blog is probably the next best thing for me to do right now. I will be going to see my mom today. Sometimes I read to her. If not, then I play her CDs for her. She loves Abba and Johnny Cash. She also loves to hear classical music. I try talking to her but she doesn't answer me. Sometimes she'll make a noise like she's trying to talk back or it looks like she's trying to say a word or two. My sister always seems to have better luck with her. I think my mom remembers my sister more than she does me. It used to bother me but I'm just glad that she can at least remember my sister and that might be comforting to her.